I like to think that I don't have any, because I feel like life plays out the way it's supposed to. And if I were to go back and change something, maybe I wouldn't be exactly where I am right now, attempting to eat cereal in bed in the dark. If I were to decide on something, I do wish I had studied abroad in college. I was going to study in Barcelona for a semester then opted to graduate early instead, which in turn led to subsequent events that brought me to LA.
So, no regrets.
Well, okay. I do have one. Otherwise this would be a very short and anticlimactic post.
I've never done AA but isn't there a step where you apologize to people you've wronged in the past? Well, I've tried to think of people I would apologize to if I ever got the chance, and I could only think of one person. So, either I'm super saintly kind like Mother Theresa or I'm delusional and feel I'm right in 99% of situations and probably find a way to turn it around on the other person.
"I don't hate you because you're fat. You're fat because I hate you."
(BTW, the list of people I feel should apologize to me was way longer than one)
So, because I could only think of one person, I will apologize publicly and clear my conscience of any wrong doings.
My public apology to Justin B:
It was a rainy day in the 1st grade. Because it was rainy, we did not have recess that day. Instead, they locked up all the 1st and 2nd graders in a windowless, airless room in the library and popped in a VHS copy of How To Eat Fried Worms. It was chili cheese hot dog day at lunch. Now, as a 25 year old with a very sensitive stomach, I wish I could go back in time and tell 7 year old me, "No! Don't eat that, kid! Always opt for the fruit cup!"
All the cool 2nd graders didn't pay attention to the movie and just sat against the back wall and talked with their friends. I was not a 2nd grader and neither was I cool.
In fact, this is what I looked like in the first grade:
So, I sat in the very front of the room, about 2 feet away from the television. In retrospect, I probably assumed we'd have a post pop quiz that I wanted to make sure I'd ace. But with glasses that big, why would I need to sit that close in the first place?!
The only other person who decided to sit in front of the TV was Justin B. Poor Justin B.
As I mentioned, twas chili cheese hot dog day. And there was just something about that combination that wasn't sitting well with my tummy. I tried my hardest to keep my shit together (pun definitely intended) but alas, I let out a fart so loud you wouldn't believe it came out of my pint-size frame.
Time froze. I thought, "Maybe no one heard." Well, if they didn't hear it, the most certainly smelled it. The smell was so bad. SO BAD, that (and I swear this is true) the teachers turned off the movie and said we had to evacuate the room.
So, in my social-suicide panic, I yelled out, "EW! JUSTIN!!!!" And because I am a natural-born leader, everyone yelled out, "EW! JUSTIN!!!!!" and laughed at the poor bastard.
For days, months, that entire year, Justin could not live it down. He was the butt of every joke. Kids would hold their noses or make fart noises by putting their mouth in their elbow pit every time he walked into the classroom. As years passed, someone would randomly laugh and say, "Oh my God, remember when Justin farted and it smelled like death and we almost died?" and I'd laugh and say, "Totally!"
But it was me who caused near death by gas! Only Justin and I knew the truth. And he never sold me out.
I never saw him again after Elementary school. I can only imagine he moved away to start fresh and leave his troubled past behind him. I recently tried searching for him on Facebook but couldn't find him. He probably has me blocked for life. Or, I can't find him because I don't remember the rest of his last name.
So, Justin B., I am sorry I blamed my first-grade fart on you. That was not right. I should have owned up to it right then and there. You did not deserve the ridicule or taunting from mean kids. I want you to know I did feel guilty, but didn't find it logical to let everyone know the truth after it'd happened. And I desperately wanted to be liked by the cool kids.
It was an unfair occurrence that you happened to be the only kid sitting right next to me. Did you also think there'd be a pop quiz? Was How to Eat Fried Worms your favorite movie? That's besides the point.
I hope your life turned out okay. And I'm really sorry.
Regretfully,
Sara Amini
I feel much better.
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