How (NOT) to Act in Front of Famous People

My friends from back home often ask me, "Do you ever see any celebrities? Do you, like hang out with famous people?"

Yes, sometimes. And no, definitely no.

I don't know that I'm "ready" to hang out with famous people. Judging by the few celebrities I've come into contact with and my subsequent actions, I think it's safe to say I need a little bit more time...

Alec Baldwin: I saw Alec ( HELLO, 30 ROCK?!) at Whole Foods and we made eye contact and he smiled and nodded his head. It took me a second to register that "that silver foxy old guy" was Alec fucking Baldwin and then I couldn't stop thinking about it. I immediately shut down my table (Did I mention I give samples at Whole Foods?) and perused the aisles looking to hopefully, "randomly run into his cart with my body" but alas, he was already checking out when I found him. So, my logic was to stand behind a pole and stare at him while he checked out. He was conversing with the cashier and they shared a laugh, and I laughed along for two reasons: 1 - I wanted to pretend like I was in on the joke, and 2 - in case he caught my stare it's less creepy (in my opinion) if I'm smile/laughing than if I was just silently staring behind a pole 10 feet away. Also, as soon as he left the store I tweeted at him. I got no reply.

Me laughing along.

Tina Fey: Guys, TINA. FEY. My idol. Everyone who even remotely knows me know how much I love this woman. I met her at a book signing of Bossypants. I couldn't figure out what to say to her because it had to be perfect, so I kept letting people cut me in line. I mean, I couldn't say what everyone else was saying, right?! "I love you. You're amazing. You're my idol!" I had to stand out! But the security guard caught on to my line skipping schemes and said, "Baby, you best get up there I'm shutting down this line in 10 minutes," and soon, it was my turn. I gave her my book and said, in my most I-got-this voice, "I totally skipped class at Second City tonight for this." And she laughed and said, "Yeah?" And then I laughed and said, "Yeah." And then there was an awkward pause because I forgot to plan anything else to say. So I said, "I love you. You're amazing. You're my idol!" And that was the end of meeting Tina Fey.

You = awesome.

Rob Lowe: Rob Lowe was on my flight to Hawaii and was sitting about 2 rows ahead of Alex and me. I'm an avid Parks and Rec fan so I immediately tweeted, "Rob Lowe is LITERALLY on my flight to Hawaii." I, of course, went to the bathroom way more than I needed to on the plane, and noticed he was reading Great Gatsby. WELL, I WAS ALSO READING GREAT GATSBY!! I had a couple of plans on how to start up a conversation that I ran by Alex, all of which he disapproved of. Dropping my book in front of him on the way to the bathroom for the 17th time, throwing macadamia nuts at him, and also throwing my book at him. Needless to say, we never did speak. But, let me tell you ladies, the back of his head is super handsome.

Not a good plan.

Sara Bareilles: Saw Sara in concert at a very small venue in Houston when she had released her first album and was just starting to gain popularity. She was signing CDs and I was eager to meet her so I ran to the front of the line. While she was signing my CD I said, "My name is Sara, too!" And she replied, "That's awesome, nice to meet you!" And I, like word vomit, said, "And it's spelled the same. Aka we're soulmates!" Cue pause. Cue awkward laugh. Cue, "Okay..well..cool." As if I hadn't already put my foot in my mouth, I went home that night and sent her a personal message on Myspace. Subject line: Concert tonight - Soulmate! "Hi Sara! Thanks so much for coming to Houston. I didn't mean to freak you out, I don't think we are actually soulmates. Just name soulmates! Come back soon!!!" Yikes. I wouldn't be surprised if she never came back to Houston.

Her reaction.

Halle Berry: Definitely did not even make eye contact. I just stared around her. She's TOO pretty.

Naomi Watts: I just smiled and stared at her son, which in retrospect, is really weird. But she was in front of me in line, and she seems really really really really nice!

Megan Fox: See: Halle Berry.

Go away, Sara.

Tia Mowry: I loved, I mean LOVED, Sister Sister growing up. Tia and Tamara were my girls. So naturally, when I saw Tia Mowry while I was working I thought, "This is your chance. Tell her how inspiring she was to you as a kid, tell her you watched that show daily and think she's crazy hilarious." So, in my smallest squeakiest voice, I said, "Would you like a sample?" To which she smiled and kept walking and my bonding moment was gone.

What I wanted to do.

What I did instead.

"But celebrities are just like you!" Yes, technically they are people. But they aren't just like me, so until I'm one of them, I'm not one of them. So in the meantime I'll work on getting my shit together in front of them.

And I really, sincerely hope that when I become famous some awkward quirky girl with all the best intentions in the world sees me out and about in public and decides to stare at me from afar, refusing to make eye contact because she thinks, "Sara Amini is TOO pretty."